but i have to speak some of it out or else it will just stay inside and get worse. Today was just bad. Not like, I'm having a pity party for myself bad, but bad in the way that everything that could be discouraging .... was discouraging.
I just feel really sad. Still.
And I know I have to fight it. I know that I'm subscribing to the lies in my head instead of fighting them. It's just been a battle all day long.
I've been suit shopping for the past two days. Like 6 hours every day. And nothing works or fits or remotely looks good on me. And all day long I just felt like sitting on the dressing room floor and bursting into tears. It seems so silly ... crying over suits that don't fit .... but it's so much deeper than that.
"See, you're not cut out for this."
"Who do you think you're kidding?"
"You're in over your head."
This has been the barrage of thoughts that have been pounding my head. Doubts that I've made the right decision. Doubts that I can actual handle this big leap. Doubts that I'm enough.
And to make matters worse, I had complete 2nd thoughts about my support letter tonight. Everything I learned to be true about support raising flew out the window tonight after talking with my dad about it all. With the economy and stuff, I just have doubts. My heart says that people care, but my head says that this is the worst possible time to be asking for them to care.
Doubts. Doubts. Doubts.
Isn't that always where we trip up?
Even after all I've seen ... help my unbelief.
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5 comments:
Thanks for sharing Michelle. I for one don't mind reading about people's bad days, especially in cases like this. I will be praying for you today. But even in the midst of doubt, discouragement and frustration, you are right now....Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. That's about as much as you can do sometimes. He will pick up the slack and carry you through. Your Father owns the cattle on a 1000 hills and has a beautiful plan of provision for you. I can't wait to see how He lays it out for you. I love you!!
My dear little Michelle,
This is just like the Race. Remember all the times of, I can't, I don't want to, If only? You are living out more of the race...it didn't stop Nov 2007! It just preparation for what's to come. I know how excited you really are about this! And you've talked about how this could lead you on to other things...stick with it! You'll make it! :) You've done so before :)
And for your dad, he loves you. It's a dad thing..he's worried about his baby. Don't let that get you down..and I didn't know that you are raising support! I think some of us are out there doing things and others are meant to be there support system for now. (hint, hint) :) You'll make it :)
Oh, and off topic...got your card...it was the same one I got for you..so I'm going to have to send another one :)
Much love and can't wait to see you!!
PS you are beautiful just the way you are!
Hello Love!
I'm so glad you found us. And I hear ya on your doubts. But you know who is the author of doubt...I love you!
Hey kid,
I have faith in you. Whenever you're doubting about whether or not you can do something just think, "Spano has faith in me."
Nine months into starting a business that hasn't even open yet has produced it's fair share of doubts for me too. But you can't think like that. You gotta think, is this the right direction? If you feel it is (and I think you do) then you don't think about all the obstacles and overwhelming things, you just do what's next and keep going. Just keep swimming just keep swimming.
The silly, stupid doubt plague boy is that an annoying one to have to deal with. I have had a moderate to severe case of it myself recently. You can't handle the big leap by yourself but you know God's got ya and I think this next step sounds perfect, even if it does mean I don't get to see you anytime soon :\ As for the economy, God's bigger than too as I've recently discovered :) but you knew that already too. Praying for you my dear and can't wait to hear of God's provision and the sweet, awesome ways He continues to use you. Love you my beautiful friend.
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