i had this terribly awful realization today. i am not an adult. i don't even know the first thing about being an adult. and i'm kind of freaking out about it. i don't know the first thing about how to go about living in the adult world of taxes and resumes and 401Ks and on and on and on .....
part of the reason for this COULD be the fact that part of my heart dies a little bit inside when even having to think about such things .... it's crushing a bit. Suffocating. Working until I'm 60? It better well be something I damn well enjoy. I don't know how people do it. For the money? Ugh. Not worth it. I feel like I've stepped into one of those little gerbil wheels ... run! go! make money! build a career! make something of yourself!
I know that so much of my life/thinking runs countercultural .... but part of me just wants to ask the question -- for what? Why the wheel? Why the futility? Why do we buy into the lies that what we do dictates who we are? Because in the end ... we'll all step out of the wheel and have to see what we have made of our lives. I want something that lasts. Is that so wrong?
Why the sudden freak out you might ask??? Well .... I have realized today that I do not know the first thing about getting a job. I've always felt above average, like anyone would be crazy not to hire me (and i don't say that to be cocky, i just know who i am and my character) but today i feel very VERY average. In fact, kind of below average ... because probably most average people know how to get a job. I don't. I don't even know where to begin. Granted, I don't really need a job right now, but I'm thinking ahead for once and this is where it's got me. nowhere.
after all ... I never really needed to LOOK for jobs/things to do. They just came to me. In high school I picked up stuff here and there ... usually I was too busy for anything substantial anyway. In college I interviewed with Pine Cove and stayed with them for 5+ years during the summers.
and let's be honest ..... during my college years, Benedict Street practically begged me to make their sandwiches. :)
Then post-college I was consumed with the Race and fundraising and what not. So where does that leave me? 24 .... almost to my quarterlife marker ... and nothing really to show for it.
and I know that my heart beats for different things than most people .... but for once I just wish I was average .... that I knew the first thing about a resume and how to do a legitimate job search. Because I'm feeling really lame right now.
if you feel the need to point and laugh at me right now ... at least point, laugh, and offer helpful advice please. that's all i ask.
ok ... freak out moment over. for now.
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4 comments:
Talk about freaking out about being an adult, I met with my ACCOUNTANT the other day. I think you've got your viewpoint half off. You talk about not wanting to work till 60 and all the mundaneness of the average American view of what's expected, then you say you're 24 and have nothing to show for it, which in my opinion plays right into that view.
How about traveling the world and changing lives and all that jazz? Maybe not big in a 401k world, but in the world you seem to want to be a part of, it's great stuff. You're doing great Michelle, and if you don't need a job, don't worry about a job. That's silly. Or do what I do, and open a coffee business which is a complete turn around from what I'm trained and qualified to do (I am a certified teacher you know). And who knows how things will turn out? After meeting with my accountant (I can hardly say it) I am now profoundly grateful for my experience as team finance person.
Just, you know, do it. Whatever it is. I think that's a Ben Lee song. Peace.
I'm confused about etiquette as to replying to a bloggers reply. Does the blogger reply on the blog itself, or on the blog of the replier? Anyway, hopefully things will be moving this week with the roaster. And thanks for the reply to the reply.
Woman. You do not have to get a job that pays well and makes you lots of money. it sounds like thats not at all what you want. Why dont you go back to missions. You seemed quite happy there. Thats what I have been thinking about alot lately. Im just trying to figure out where God wants me because I dont want to be in a job he doesnt want me in. Nothing good will come from that. Anyways, I feel your pain. Just make sure you dont settle because you will just be miserable.
Just do what you want. I work for a crazy non profit 20 hours a week and it pays the bills. I spend the rest of my time enjoying life and my husband and doing things that I enjoy. Like photography or just being outside or visiting with people. Do what you want. I mean, pay your bills but no one said you had to work a 40 hour week... come on!! ;)
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